Silence

It has been a long time since I last wrote anything on here. Every time I sit down and seek inspiration, I quite simply don’t have anything to say.

The world is so noisy these days. Social media, cellphones, podcasts, YouTube, Google, everything everywhere all at once it is so

LOUD.

How do we ever find something to say amongst all that noise? How do we ever have a thought of our own?

I think people spend too much time reading blogs, and posts, and taking the next course or training, searching desperately for someone to show them the easy way out, or through, or to wherever it is that they want to go, forgetting that they have more wisdom than any other person could ever tell them. Each of us has our own medicine and our own dreams and beliefs and desires.

Wisdom is a knowing, it is something you are born with that seems to get covered up by the debris of “knowledge” and information that we surround ourselves with now.

As much as I have been judging myself for the fact, lately I have been craving little more than a rainy day, a good book, good food, a safe conversation, and as much sleep and fresh air as I can manage.

I used to seek thrills, but now I crave the simplest, most gentle of things. It is a hard part of me to accept, being someone who has always considered myself adventurous and active and energetic. Right now I just want to lie down under the fresh spring buds of trees and watch the bunnies play, listen to the birds sing, watch the mother duck foraging with her little ones, to be still enough for long enough that nature accepts me as her own.

I have spent years trying to “feel better”, trying to prove myself, trying to be somebody that I was proud of so I would feel important, trying to fill my life with adventure and magic and knowledge so I wouldn’t feel so alone and so sad and miss someone as much as I really did.

They were the most exhausting 3 years of my life. Like I was a mouse on a treadmill trying to outrun a cat and impress an audience that wasn’t even looking at me.

When I finally gave in it was overwhelming at first. It swallowed me whole even though I thought I couldn’t hurt more than I already was.

I had to face a lot of truths that I would have rather continued ignoring. Like the fact that I didn’t feel like I was enough, that I didn’t feel like I deserved any of what I wanted, that I didn’t understand what happened, no matter how much I wanted to. That not matter how hard I was trying to prove that I could be happy and amazing on my own, my life would never be the same as it was.

I had to accept that there was nothing I could do that would ever make someone love me.

So what then..? Who was I when I wasn’t trying so hard to be enough? Who was I beneath all the opinions and information I had been so quick to absorb?

So I sunk.

I slept.

I ate.

I cried.

The world became very quiet, a silence like being underwater. It was the most simple, peaceful thing.

…

And I would tell you that I found my worth, and my happiness, and I grew into the strong independent woman everyone was cheering for me to be. But the truth is all I found was humility.

How humbling to know that no matter what I do, I cannot stop loving someone.

How humbling to realise that the point was never to “move on”, but to love anyway.

How humbling to have such a deep hope and a dream, and have no control over any of it.

How humbling to realise after years of trying to prove otherwise, that no amount of new experiences and laughter and happiness would make me miss him any less.

To realise that I don’t know everything, maybe not even anything.

There is something so calming about acceptance.

I can love him, and hope that someday I am loved to. I can cry and still feel joy at the sight of a newborn lamb.

I can grieve a love and still believe that love exists.